Robert Pollard Critics Credo

Rock critics of the world (this means you, Bitchfork), raise your right hand with your left hand upon the Satanic Bible and repeat after me:

When reviewing the newest Robert Pollard release (solo album or otherwise), I solemnly swear to listen to the album more than once before writing my review (because as we all know, Bob's music has a unique way of growing on you, sneaking up and biting you in the ass after repeated listenings)...

I promise to actually mention which songs I liked or disliked in the review, to prove that I actually listened to the record and can back up my overall opinion with some tangible information...

I also swear to review the music, not waste space reviewing Bob's lifestyle, age, on or off stage drinking habits or other superfluous and mostly assumed personal details...

I promise not to pad the review by rehashing Bob's background as a junior high school teacher or his recording lo-fi music with his drinking buddies in the basement or his cultish fan base or any other cliched historical detail for the millionth time...

I promise to focus on the newest release as an individual recording, not attempting to compare it to every other Bob release or another band or album or a particular genre, as that is both lazy and impossible...

That said, I also swear not to criticize Bob's voluminous output and complain that he needs an editor. Each Bob release is what it is and was intended as such. And if you can't keep up, that is your problem...

And most importantly, I solemnly swear to not be a smartass. Remember: you write music reviews, not comedy, dipshit.


Good! Now that we've gotten that out of the way... ;)